Wednesday, July 18, 2012

It Shouldn't Be This Way


As I listen to my children singing in the background- a three part tune where Disney Princess-like music meets Mongolian Monk-like Chanting- I am overcome with sadness at the reality of our situation.  It just shouldn’t be like this

I began my day by being deposed of sorts by one of the many lawyers involved in the upcoming trial for TPR (Termination of Parental Rights- to determine if our children will be legally free to adopt or go back with their parents).  It was grueling to say the least.  Why do I have to give 100 facts about how my children did not have a great start in life because of their mother and father?  What about the part where she did love them; and therefore, they knew how to be loved by us?  But if I say that part, will they make recommendations for our children going back into an arena of chaos and (unknowing) neglect?  Is this loving- speaking the truth in love or is it just trying to get what I think is best?  It shouldn’t be this way.

As I think about our childrens’ mother, I think about my oldest Baby Girl.  I see much of her biological mother in her, but there is a big difference.  My Baby Girl has been given much more structure, love, and chances to succeed as a healthy person than her momma was ever given.  If my Baby Girl goes back into that cycle, she would grow up and possibly chose the same life for herself that her momma did- get pregnant at 17 and end up having too many children too young with someone too unstable.   But that doesn’t make me want to fight against my childrens’ mother.  It just makes me sad that she is stuck- just like my Baby Girl would be if she went back to that life.  It shouldn’t be this way.

The kids' Disney-like chant singing has turned into more of a yell and they are now circling the couches.  David and I are reminded of the battle of Jericho when they do this.  We have 7 days until our family’s fate is decided, and sometimes I feel like I would love an occupation of marching around something and blowing a horn!  At least then I will be distracted from all of the things that feel so unfair about this whole process.

It shouldn’t be that our children are third generation orphan/ foster children.  It shouldn’t be that one mother is pitted against another one- when both have loved to the fullest of their capacities.  It shouldn’t be that a little girl is torn from her home at 3 years old and forced to be the parent of her younger siblings.  It shouldn’t be that no one ever loved the kids’ mama in a way that showed her the love of Christ.  Can I be that person- maybe?  But I have to keep boundaries, and think of my children at the same time.  What would that even look like?

We will press on.  We will raise our ebeneezer here at the final frontier of the promise land.  Yet we still don’t know if we will get to enter the land of being a forever family.  We have no promise of what is to be decided; just that He is with us no matter what.  And that by His help, love, and direction we have gotten this far.

8 comments:

Buddy and Maurine said...

Thank you, Eryn. You expressed our hearts. May God help us.

kcochrane said...

Oh, Eryn! My prayers and thoughts are with you during this difficult journey. You are truly exhibiting Christ's love in this process. My heart hurts for your family during this time. I'll be thinking of you often. Hoping for a great update!

Nysewanders said...

Praying for your beautiful family in this coming week!

R.A. said...

I was just praying for you today as I thought about the trial date getting closer! Whatever happens, your family is being covered in prayer from coast to coast. The Lord loves all SIX of you!

Sarah Nicholson said...

Eryn, this was a beautifully written post. I can't imagine how you must feel but reading this gave me a really good idea. We will keep praying for you and your precious family. May God continue to give you the courage that He has given you to carry you this far. We love you guys so much!!!

Mandi said...

I'm with Sarah, beautiful post, Eryn. We are praying for you, David and your children throughout this process and love you very much!

Rhonda said...

So, true. God has you in His loving hands. I love you all. He has her, too. Trust in His goodness.

Brooke said...

Thank for providing such a raw and honest perspective. Its just not all black and white …cut and dry. The tension is real and I think the fact that you feel it shows how alive Gods spirit is on you. Praying.